Continued Part 2

It's cloudy Saturday. I woke up very late today. Pamper myself to have over sleep. Need to recharge back all the energies that been used last week. I have few topic that I would like to posting here. It's about feeling and some kind of pathetic guy. 

I've told myself not to involve in any commitment but who are we to control our feeling. I tried harder not to fall in love again. Prevent myself from not to entertain those guys with their sweet talk. Not to soften my heart to any guys out there. But the more I avoid myself the more it appear. Honestly speaking, since after my heart closed toward that psycho LPK, so many bees wanna 'stung' flower for honey. At last I fell to someone kindness. Once again I have someone else while I still with my complicated status. Sigh!! Why God? Why must I have this kind of feeling while I struggling to settle my complicated relation with AK. I've known this Teddy since school. He was my cousin's schoolmate. Younger than me few years. Geez! Why those youngster suka sangat melekat on me ar? 

But this person was so fun, friendly and the most I like about him is he is caring person and know how to make me smile all the time. I miss him right now..and I know that he miss me too. The relation still new. Both have earlier relationship that still on. I don't know lah.. I just follow the flow. I've seen and felt the emotions. And I get used with the pain. One thing for sure is, we are not in the same religion. Definitely I cant be with him forever. My family, relatives and friends would not agree on this relationship. 

This one thing about psycho, I don't know what his intention right now and I don't want to know. He is pathetic person which is using me for his desire and after what he get from me, he will use that guts to against and ruin me. I have no idea what should I do more about this person. He is such a bastard guy. He the one cheated behind me, hurts me deeply, stabbed me from behind, now then he blame me for everything. What's the point le? We've been break up since January and its been half year after the break up, he appearing again with ridiculous reason to be with me anymore. Gila what?? I am not his cloth, wear me whenever he want. Bastard ball-less. I will never be with him or even meet him as I knew very known about his intention and attitude. He may say anything he want to say but what past is past and that would never be the same again. This time I really will never come back to u LPK. You are no more in my list. What had you did to me was the most fucking darn shit and that never will be the same again lah bro. You choose Indonesian ma'am, now then what? You thought woman can easily play by you are?? Fucking shit ball-less lah!! 

Don't ever disturb me anymore else you'll great the most terrible life for the rest of your life Lau Puong Kai!

Luv~

Relief

Exam fever just ended. Felt relief but feeling nervous waiting for the result to be out on next semester. Honestly speaking, I might get worse mark for Economic subject. I should blame myself instead release out my anger to other people. Sorry I couldn't control my emotion that day. I was fucking darn day I had. With exam battle that I need to seat, then with tasks that waiting me to clean up (bloody hell tasks suddenly membukit that day), restless as I didn't shut off my eyes the night before just because for revision. And the most make me totally out of the blues is psycho pula appeared to disturb me that day. And Teddy did make my heart hurt once again. I am so depressed that day.

Sigh! I have no idea what will happen to me in future. Would I achieve my dream? I'm tired being mengalah. I'm tired being pak turut. My family will never change. Their heart too keras like metal. So I hope after my graduation, I would like to search for new job out from Sarawak. I wont success if I still living like this. I should think about myself.

... to be continue

Luv~

Emotion-less

Exam mode is on. Today was the 1st paper and tomorrow will be the last paper to attend. I'll feel relieve after that. But tonight guess I need a cup of 3 in 1 nescafe again to make my eyes awaken until morning. It's the only way to make myself fresh and do my revision. But I don't put high confidence on this semester as I don't feel I can make it. No matter how hard I force myself to memorize the notes its still back to zero. My brain not CPU which can restore every data. Some more I didn't sleep last nite and now I trying forcing myself to struggling not to sleep for another nite. Darn! I totally useless. I shouldn't force myself too much else I'll fall sick. 

How good if I can live happily without think and concern on our partner's feeling. Really tired. How will this miserable end. When will I stop being sad. I give up. I never easy give up. But I have no idea why I become so weak recently. I've involved myself with new relationship recently. How can I hook on that person? The story began, we bumped into each other in Facebook. I'm not so sure where he can see my facebook account. But I guess from my mutual friend. So he did added me in facebook and I just accept it. Nothing to worry also as I don't remember who he is. He have this kind of unique on him until make me fall in love once again. I've been promised myself not to trust love anymore. I afraid to fall in love again. Afraid I might hurt for another time. So i give a try to see how is it. Who know much better than previous relationship. I was wrong. The person do have special person, in other place. No wonder lah. I get heart broken for first time, then 2nd, then 3rd... 

I do trust and accept the 'proposal' too early without think wiser. I don't know what will happen next. 

Ok lah I must stop here as my brain starting not functioning. 

Luv~

Disaster (Part 1)

Disaster starting again. Haiz! When will all of this will end?? When?? God, do you have the answer? I bet there's no answer for that right? If so, why it still the same? I can't force my feeling to pretend or being fake to love someone that I have no more feeling toward them. Accusing me until I have no chance and space to stand up for my right. 

They know the truth about what happened around yet they still pointing their fingers to me. Mom, you are a woman. I hope that you know and understand more better about woman's feeling. Once my heart broken and the scars still there, it's totally broken! I know mom purposely make the noise so that my grandpa will come over and support her to against me. I am the victim here! The victim of the jerk!! Why you all still stand beside him instead to support your own flesh!! You people accuse me until no mercy. Scold me like I have no right to say anything. Will I happy stuck myself at home after that? Will I feel peaceful staying at home? If you all tau how to jaga my hati and respect, understand me from began, will I become like this mah?? It's still consider better that I doesn't be like other girls out there. I still remember dad's advices. Thou he no more in this world, I still respect him. 

They don't understand me. And will never want to understand me. I don't use their money for my college fee. I don't force them to give help as I know they will never sincere to help. Dah tolong main ungkit bila gaduh. What's the point you wanna give help if you not sincere on that? 

I pray hope that one day everything will be end no matter how. Amen.

Luv~

Disaster again~

I feeling unwell today. Maybe because of too exhausted and weak mind. Too many things to think since after he back. How I wish he would not return home. He's disaster for my life. It's obviously that I am much happier when he is not around. I can laugh, happy, cheerful, smile and so peaceful mind. I don't know when this mess will stop from hurting me. I am so darn tired for being humble with those un-thankful people.

Why? Why must it be like this? Isn't life suppose to be happy? Not that I wanted to be perfect but at least I feel happy with my own choice of life I wanted to have. Is that hard? It happened again last night when he acting like he is the better from everything. I mean, he love to instruct me to do everything while he never appreciate me as a woman. Why most of the men nowadays love to measure their relationship with money?? I know money are important but can they not to think for being selfish about money, sometimes? 

Mom, the another problem. She is a mother to a daughter, which is me, I thought she would understand me. But it doesn't work as she never respect and accept me as her real daughter. She's not even helping her daughter when I need her the most. Why must she acting like she doesn't care when it come to my problem and only she will 'kepo' when its come to her own advantage; eg money matter, want to know any info about him that she can 'keep' as her method to against me. Like what happened yesterday. She's a mother whom only will be nice to anyone that she like, ONLY. Her relatives. So whoever being friend to me, she will never accept them no matter how nice they are. For her, they are bad friends whom influence me to be a bad person. Oh God. Forgive my mom and open her heart for being kind and generous in everything. Forgive my family for being too selfish to others. 

I dislike the way she acting for being fake in front of everyone while showing how 'bad' I am in front others. So definitely everyone will think that she is a good mother while I am the bad daughter. When brother in offshore, she automatic will be so nice to me, its just like there's never will be problem. I don't know why mom have to act that way. She have guts to pull down her own bleed; daughter while she so concern and care the most to her son. Am I her real daughter? Why must being selfish? Why must being so ego? Why must being so cruel? Stop treating me like this mom. I am so painful, painful enough to go on through this way. 

How I wish daddy were here. How I wish he would listen to my sadness and tears. How I wish he could see everything. How I wish he could hand his hand to me. Daddy, where are you? I couldn't see you. Must be you are together with God and being an angel. How good if daddy can be an angel to me. I miss you dad. Miss you so much. 

xoxo

Back!

I'm back. Sorry for being MIA. Away for so long and didn't get the chance to blog as I frequently blog on my other blogspot. A lot of thing to share while I away since last month. Posting which is I remember jer lah yer.. 

Gawai already passed. Nothing special on Gawai festival as I didn't back to mom's village for celebration this year. So I ended up my holidays just in Miri. Then on the 4th of June, I have ladies day night with my long losting friends. Had happy hours until 4am and I stayed outside on that night. It was fun thou in short time but I am happy. Oh ya.. before that, that jerk did wish me Happy Gawai on the 1st June. I was surprised that he still 'alive'. LoL. Ingat dah mampus tak ingat me anymore. But I didn't wish he contact me anymore as I doesn't want see his face anymore. Bila sms, no other topic other than sex. I get fad up with this person. He requested to meet me up. That few days I didn't layan his text until the day he get to knock my head to meet him again. What was that? Is that love? But I don't love him anymore. What the hell...! I met him and I felt awkward. It's been so long since after the incident he dumped me so mean. He totally different now. I mean he look so terrible. Yeah.. macam Indon juga. Ada hati want me back? Huh uh.. sorry lah. I am so happy with my current life and I don't need to look back again. He disturbing me until today and I am so stress with him. I don't understand why he still wana appear in front of me. He dumped me and now he want me?? Say miss me? Miss head you! Can't get Indon pussy now gatal wanna get free sex from me ar?

It's already in June and I did some changes on me. I pierced my nose and I'm loving it. Then I using color lenses again. Now then I changed my hair color. Next will be target for new phone and shopping for next trip to KL. And the berani plan will be tattoo! I wanna make tattoo. Hehe.. Well, I sound happy as I get my result for previous exam. I get good result! So might do some shopping later. Woo~ wooo~ 

See you guys again in next blog~

Luv~

Happy Mother's Day to my mom

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.

Mother was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries. Although the relation between me and mom often misunderstanding to each other, she’s still my mother, thou. No matter what she is the only one I have in the world. And no one could replace her. I look back on my childhood and thank the stars above. For everything you gave me, a mother that taking care for the whole family. She’s the great mother I have thou she not the perfect mother but I accept her as what she is. Everything happened for reason. Right after Dad gone, she have her own reason why she act more aggressive than before. She’s lonely without a husband whom she love the most. Mother: the most beautiful word on the lips of mankind. The greatest thing she’d learned over the years is that there's no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.

A hundred men may make an encampment, but it takes a woman to make a home. So for men out there, do appreciate women please. The Miracle of Life nurtured by a woman who gave us love and sacrifice. I know how mom treat me since before but I never put it in my heart as she is a mother to me and it’s not something that I should revenge but to give more love toward her. She know more better about her children than other people do.

Mother, I love you so much and please forgive each mistake and hurts that I ever did to u. And I forgiven you and that will still loving you forever no matter how. I know I am not a good daughter as what you want your child to be. It’s normal for a mother being ‘kepo’ on hers children’s matters. But sometimes mom does too much over the limit for that. Mom shouldn’t too much involved in personal life which is not supposed to share with. Sound harsh uh..hehe.. Anyway, I often prays for her health and happiness and wish her being understanding person ever.

 A mother’s work is never done. She works from morning until dawn. She spreads her love and keeps you warm but only once a year we say Mother we wish you “Happy Mothers Day”. So let’s give a huge warm hug and tell her that we do love and appreciate her as a mother to us.

I love you, mom! I do! No matter how is going on between us, I still love you.

And for all mommies out there, Happy Mother’s Day!~ Especially my best gorgeous loving friends, Sophie and mommy wana be, Eng. And not to forget the other mommies followers in my blog. Have a great Mother’s Day.

Okie everyone..need start my day with a smile and couldn’t wait to try my new lenses; purple color this time! Woo woo~ Mengancam eyes babes!

xoxo