I feeling unwell today. Maybe because of too exhausted and weak mind. Too many things to think since after he back. How I wish he would not return home. He's disaster for my life. It's obviously that I am much happier when he is not around. I can laugh, happy, cheerful, smile and so peaceful mind. I don't know when this mess will stop from hurting me. I am so darn tired for being humble with those un-thankful people.
Why? Why must it be like this? Isn't life suppose to be happy? Not that I wanted to be perfect but at least I feel happy with my own choice of life I wanted to have. Is that hard? It happened again last night when he acting like he is the better from everything. I mean, he love to instruct me to do everything while he never appreciate me as a woman. Why most of the men nowadays love to measure their relationship with money?? I know money are important but can they not to think for being selfish about money, sometimes?
Mom, the another problem. She is a mother to a daughter, which is me, I thought she would understand me. But it doesn't work as she never respect and accept me as her real daughter. She's not even helping her daughter when I need her the most. Why must she acting like she doesn't care when it come to my problem and only she will 'kepo' when its come to her own advantage; eg money matter, want to know any info about him that she can 'keep' as her method to against me. Like what happened yesterday. She's a mother whom only will be nice to anyone that she like, ONLY. Her relatives. So whoever being friend to me, she will never accept them no matter how nice they are. For her, they are bad friends whom influence me to be a bad person. Oh God. Forgive my mom and open her heart for being kind and generous in everything. Forgive my family for being too selfish to others.
I dislike the way she acting for being fake in front of everyone while showing how 'bad' I am in front others. So definitely everyone will think that she is a good mother while I am the bad daughter. When brother in offshore, she automatic will be so nice to me, its just like there's never will be problem. I don't know why mom have to act that way. She have guts to pull down her own bleed; daughter while she so concern and care the most to her son. Am I her real daughter? Why must being selfish? Why must being so ego? Why must being so cruel? Stop treating me like this mom. I am so painful, painful enough to go on through this way.
How I wish daddy were here. How I wish he would listen to my sadness and tears. How I wish he could see everything. How I wish he could hand his hand to me. Daddy, where are you? I couldn't see you. Must be you are together with God and being an angel. How good if daddy can be an angel to me. I miss you dad. Miss you so much.
xoxo
